At great personal risk to my own mental stability, or whatever is left of it, I’ve decided to watch some of the most god awful pieces of roadkill passing for films that I come across. Just for sick amusement, just for your entertainment, just for the hell of it, just for the taste of it…..well maybe not that last bit. Everyone has seen movies they wish that they hadn’t seen, or walked out of movies 45 minutes after being bored to tears. Of all the movies I’ve ever seen in a theater, I’ve only walked out of one movie, Pearl Harbor. Perhaps one day I will revisit Michael Bay’s soap opera like exploitation of an American tragedy, but not today. Today I subject myself to another exploitation of loss of human life.
I will branch out to multiple sources of information, but one of the highest concentrations of unwatchable films has to be IMDb’s Bottom 100. It it sometimes unreliable in the sense that some films get railroaded to the bottom purposely. There are standouts of reliability, however. Time tested bombs that will never disappear from the public’s scarred retinas like Manos: The Hands of Fate, The Beast of Yucca Flats, From Justin to Kelly or Battlefield Earth. I’ve decided to start with a real doozy which currently resides atop the dung pile called Titanic: The Legend Goes On. It’s an Italian produced animated musical retelling of the sinking of the Titanic. What is it with Italians and sinking cruise ships lately? I’m never going anywhere near an Italian ship after the real-life wreck earlier this year, and the cinematic wreck caused by everyone involved with this.
Animated films often get a pass for having musical numbers that may be out of place given the time period the film is supposed to take place in. This anachronism is easy to gloss over when it’s done for fun in movies like Shrek. In Titanic: The Legend Goes On, we are blindsided by an unprovoked musical attack unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Nearly 10 minutes into the film after saving some mice from a cat, a dog just starts rapping for no reason. I was going to include the trailer for the film in the post, but the rapping dog is straight money. Every movie should have rapping dogs. Just imagine how much better The King’s Speech would have been if there was a rapping dog in it! As much as I love this, the filmmakers are way off here. The Titanic sank in 1912 and rap music was clearly invented by Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1938, when he was well into his 2nd term as President. The dog suddenly appears dressed in a backwards hat, basketball jersey, gym shorts and sneakers. The filmmakers apparently thought that giving him a boombox to go along with this modern dress was just a little too much, so he has a small, wooden antique style radio up to his ear instead. If the rapping dog isn’t enough for you, he’s accompanied by a trio of Hispanic mice that look like the mentally handicapped offspring of Speedy Gonzalez. They have their own song later in the film where the last word of every line in the song is made to rhyme with gusto.
Rapping dog aside, this film rips off multiple Disney film characters and story lines. The plot mimics Cinderella complete with wicked stepmother, stepsisters, douchebag cat and helpful mice. There are two dalmatians on board along with a Cruella DeVille look-a-like with two henchmen. There is also an altogether different version of the famous spaghetti scene from Lady & the Tramp. When they share the spaghetti and kiss in the Disney film, its cute and sweet. Here they have changed the spaghetti into a bunch of sausages linked together. Animals sucking sausages into their mouths has no place in a kids movie. It’s all well and good for Lindsay Lohan, but this was just inappropriate here.
The film itself is sloppily animated, directed, editing, scored, dubbed…..pretty much everything about this is wrong. The animators seemed unsure of how to portray emotion of their characters’ faces so everyone just looks either angry or constipated, and the voice acting doesn’t help there either. The only thing they did right was they actually have about 70 minutes of images to watch, which technically constitutes a feature film I suppose, though they even cheated on that. The animation is slowed down so it takes more time. The same scenes are reused multiple times during the film. The film actually ends after 55 minutes, but the remaining 15 minutes are credits featuring a montage of the movie you just watched and the music that under normal circumstances you would only hear again in your nightmares . I can’t really give you a reason to watch this entire thing, unless you want to test yourself. Consider yourselves warned.
– Wes Kelly